Saturday, November 19, 2005

Better place

I am at a better place these past couple of days. Last night, Diana surprised me with having friends meet us at the bowling alley for a belated birthday party. What fun! It was great to see Shirley, Cora, Karen, and Bones. I even had my best game ever with a score of 145--printer was broken so I have no proof other than my word and Diana will vouch for me too, of course. :) Diana is still sick, so we are taking it easy this weekend and cleaning up so the house is ready for company and the cleaning crew.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Roller coaster continues

Well, I was starting to feel better and that my mood was effected by PMS and my accepting that I will have a hard time getting pregnant and that I need to face that I am not as healthy as I used to be naturally/without effort. I guess it was a little bit like an early mid-life crisis--I say that jokingly, but it was about facing my own mortality. With PCOS, I am at high risk for developing diabetes, miscarriage, heart attack, etc. There is no reason to feel that I WILL have any of that, but I need to care for myself better through my diet and exercising. I need to work on those issues also if I want to become pregnant--so it is a win-win situation. So...why are some days still blue days--this week has been really hard. I am doing better with the healthy eating, but was disappointed this week when I didn't ovulate one good size follicle and couldn't inseminate this month again. And I did take that step over a week ago and called my father, and then called him again this past Monday--to which he has not called me back. Sunday was also my birthday--I have not heard from him about that either. I wish it didn't bother me that he didn't send a card or call--but it does. I wish I didn't want to see him at Christmas, but I do and will (want to)--and it is hard to accept that he doesn't want to see me. My in-laws, my aunt and uncle, and friends in CT are great in being supportive and caring--and I am very thankful for having them in my life. Anyways...I guess a have a few things going on that have me a little blue. The pregnancy thing I will keep working on and I am trying accupunture next week to help with that. My father--I will deal with my feelings and make decisions when I am ready about how much will I continue to try to keep connected to him. And everything else is really going fine--work, the house, my beautiful wife--all good. Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to feel better and more grounded again in myself and my life with Diana. Hope you are doing okay too.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

A bit down these days...

I don't know know if it is PMS, the fall, feeling old, or plain old not feeling well from the meads and diet changes--I is not a very happy camper right now. I am sick of wheat and feeling sick to my stomach or hanging out in the bathroom more than I care to be. I think I have been obsessed with this diet thing and need to back off a bit. I am driving myself crazy. I am feeling very old with my knees of late. I did goto the doctor and had x-rays, turns out it is not my ligament like I assumed but that my knee cap doesn't track right and is grinding and pulling the muscles in odd ways. Indeed that explains my pain under the cap and all the muscles around. It has gotten to the point where I can't cross my legs it hurts too much and I have pain throughout the night. I have to either sleep on my back or stomach to have my knees straight so they don't hurt as much to sleep. Well, that alone could explain my feeling cranky--continual pain will bring it out in anyone! Anyway, I goto physical therapy tomorrow night and I hope they teach me how to tape my knee to relieve pain and allow me to exercise it properly. And then Friday night I am on-call. Ugh. I already feel wiped out and am worried my knee pain will be worse after pt. to be on my feet extra the next day. I hope it is not a busy night and I can rest it. We do have fun plans this weekend with people from Diana's job, game night. But then I am helping with a memorial service at the hospital, which is not so fun. I will need to cook something up to have fun with after that service before the weekend is over. And the following weekend is my birthday. Which I have mixed feelings about. At least I didn't get a card from my father saying happy belated birthday, uh two weeks early. Maybe this year he will remember when I was born correctly. Or who knows, maybe he wouldn't remember it at all--hard to say. I need to call him and see if we can hook up when we are next in town. I keep putting it off as it can be painful for me to try to connect and not have it work out. I will work up the courage soon. Maybe even today.